Speck of Dust ✨️✨️

TWENTY SIX… 26… I keep repeating this age in my head again and again.. this is how old I am now… young I am now??? Who knows.. as the song goes “Old, but I'm not that old, Young, but I'm not that bold”

Birthdays come with defining and reiterate things, maybe re-defining them. I have had mixed feelings about birthdays always, I love other people’s birthdays. Would walk an extra mile just with the thought that it would make them happy or feel special. But for my birthday as far as I remember I have either felt too overwhelmed by attention or too into my head with thoughts. I have always been an overthinker. Hence, a pointless rant with my overbearing thoughts.

I am basic and watch almost everything that pop culture sanctions. I wasn’t into moon or flowers that much when I was younger but now I love them and never let go of one opportunity to show world how much I love them and how much comfort they provide me. I collect a lot of quotes, all of them basic, generic, roomy, intellectual, deep, funny, quirky. I love books and tend to read more books written by intellectuals who lived with more breadth and depth than me. All this because I am scared, I am getting life wrong. All of it… There are years that have answers and years that ask questions, this year I just have questions... so many questions, with no answer in sight (or may be answers I don’t want to accept) This also comes from a place that I always thought that 26 Year old ANERI would have figured things out, and would be smart, successful and “settled”. Young aneri had no space for happiness and slow things in her aspirations and imagination. She was full of opinions, answers and LIFE. But here I am at 26, laughing at her thoughts and foolishness. Wanting the things she never asked for or thought she’ll need.

Why do I find it so difficult to sit alone on some days? Will I ever stop comparing myself with others? What exactly is my purpose in this tiny, apparently insignificant lifetime? Will I ever know what it feels like to be deeply understood? Will I ever truly know myself? Who should I believe in when I don’t believe in myself? When we lose someone, are we really the same person after that? Why do I derive my self-worth from the work I can do? How do some people manage it all so gracefully? Why am I unable to let go easily? Am I really scared of ageing? Why do we have to write resumes, biodatas & cover letters? Why does my coffee taste different on days when I am not myself? Is that the reason different people describe taste of coffee differently? If nothing I do now works out, what’s my Plan B? Is it really needed? Looking at sky and randomness of things (call it fate if you like), I feel powerless; is it really possible & necessary to make an impact on world? Why do I overcomplicate things? Is it anxiety or intuition? Why do I keep feeling like an imposture? Why is there no manual yet on how to be an adult? Where is the boundary between my own thoughts & what society has imposed on me? How long before I fall in love? Is feeling too much a gift or burden? When will everything fall into place? Why do I keep running away? What are my deepest life-giving desires that will actually matter? Why am I not as brave as I used to be? In a day and age of so much stimulation how is it that I don’t feel stimulated enough? Isn’t the magic of being in your twenties not necessarily needing to have all the answers? Yes… (faint and singular answer)

*takes a long sigh…

Life despite of all it’s anxieties and uncertainties, unsolicited advises and heartbreaks, neglects and distraction, questions & answers is A SPECK OF DUST!!